Okay.
This is a rant. Or venting, or gaining perspective, or what-have-you.
I have a co-worker (desk within about 6 feet of mine) who is 1) Very Religious 2) a new adoptive father 3) a successful dieter 4) the office “encourager.â€
On the surface, and probably down deep, he’s a really nice guy. And he doesn’t press his attitude on anyone; he doesn’t try to convert anyone, either to his religion or his diet plan. But every parent stops by and I hear those stories. Sometimes someone calls him and I hear the same stories again. He heads a bible study and I hear those encouraging calls. Every time anyone in the office is dieting they come by and I hear those pep talks. For some people, it’s a daily to weekly session. For months on end. Seriously, one person stops by at least once a week and has done so since they started dieting. In JANUARY. And they’re having great success, in part due to the constant encouragement; they’ve lost 60+ lbs and look great.
Yet for some reason, the constant encouraging on all of these topics is driving me Up The Wall. Why? Why am I bothered by this?
A few days ago I brought in brownies. It was my car’s birthday, I wanted to celebrate. This co-worker (let’s call him Henry) brings in brownies frequently. Not to carp, but his brownies are often unpalatable. They are usually dry and bitter. They have chocolate chips mixed in, like some brownies would have pecans, on the “triple chocolate†theory, which does not work for these brownies. They are topped with their own height in store frosting. I always take one. I seldom eat it.
This “Henry†does take similar office offerings from other people. But seldom-if-ever from me. (I can’t recall any time that he has, but I’m sure it’s happened at some time) And this time, when I specifically offered, he said, oh, he couldn’t, he’s dieting again. HOWEVER, a while back we specifically talked about brownies, I said I had a great recipe and I’d bring them in sometime, and he said great, he looked forward to tasting them.
So. I’m sure he is dieting. And I should be really supportive of his will power, especially since Mom is successfully dieting and I want to pattern myself after a supportive, encouraging person.
Yet, I was really really miffed. I felt slighted; insulted. And I know a lot of it is because I’m so tired of all the happy encouraging. And a lot of it was because I feel my brownies are really superior to his and I wanted to show him up a little and I felt like he’d promised to take a taste. Just a taste. I told him to cut his own sliver; I didn’t want to mess up his diet but wouldn’t he please celebrate with me?
Rant rant rant.
OK. So. This got me thinking about how emotionally tied I am to food gifts. And I got to thinking about how this is a pattern I need to break.
So. MOM. What do you think is at work here? How would I best redirect my emotional attachment to the gifting of food? Why is food and the appreciation of food so blasted emotional anyway?
And why am I so fed up with what is a positive behaviour (the encouraging)?
I am taking your questions seriously because i think you are asking them seriously.
It sounds like your co-worker is always “up.” People who are always “up” are irritating to me too. They make me roll my eyes. Their tone of voice becomes irritating. Now this is not true of all encouragers. There is a guy up at the Y who is an encourager, at least to me, whose tone does not turn on my fake alert. But most encouragers have this tone….
You know how, when some adults talk to a child, their voices takes on a tone? Some children are instinctively repelled by that tone. It sets off a fake alarm or they register it as talking-down. Some encouragers have a similar tone.
As for the food, I can see why you would want him to taste your brownies, both because they are good and you want to show off (and show him up). Besides, yours are good and he obviously appreciates brownies. I am sure you would have enjoyed giving him your recipe and improving the quality of what he brings.
And why would you not get miffed? You do the polite thing and take his food offering. Why not expect him to at least be polite and take yours? Seriously, if someone who had told me about their recipe and i had told i would be interested in tying it offered me a brownie right now, i might explain that i was dieting and take a very small piece, but I would taste. I might regret it, because it might mean I would then crave more, but in a case like that, a sliver would be the polite thing to do and I would do the polite thing.
But usually people, when they are dieting, shut down on all goodies, and they feel powerful and right when they refuse all food offers. Some people will also express interest and then forget all about it. I suppose we all do that to some extent.
Now for the big question of why is food so emotionally important? I don’t know… It isn’t so much for me right now, and hopefully will never be again, but it has been important for me and it is definitely important to your dad. A little of your emotional response may be trained in by example. It might even be an inherited genetic tendency, since Jean was also like that.
I think, too, that food is tied in with nurturing. You do have a nurturing personality and few outlets for it.
I think that food is also something that you create, and so when you share, you are sharing of yourself. Do you get the same pleasure when you stop off at the bakery and buy goodies?
Add in that you cook very well. There is pleasure in sharing something you do well, both because you get to show off and because there is pleasure in the giving
And what else can you share like food?? Can you bring any other present in to your co-workers? Oh you might be able to make some little craft item, but I cannot think of any craft item that has the general appeal of food, and you can only give so many things like that before you become annoying. You can bring baked items in over and over and over again. They are always appreciated and they never clutter up the desk space.
“…but his brownies are often unpalatable. They are usually dry and bitter. They have chocolate chips mixed in, like some brownies would have pecans, on the “triple chocolate†theory, which does not work for these brownies. They are topped with their own height in store frosting.”
oh BARF!
I am sure your brownies are wonderful, lovely, and delightful (not to mention full of flavor)…and I would have cut off a large, sure to make me ill of sheer size, slab.
I am not sure what to say about food gifts, but I can understand your fustration. Do you think the food gift is an extension of you and your caring for someone and the rejection of that is equated to a rejection of yourself? I had times where coworkers did not come get baked items i had brought. I was upset too…partially because they all wanted it and partially because it was hard work darn it!
mmmm brownies!!! yum!
Sorry if mother’s comment didn’t show up right away. She did make a comment on the 18th, I just didn’t realize it was still ‘waiting moderation’. Must be a feature of the software update. Sorry if it looked like she didn’t respond.
I’m so glad there were replies .. I did find the one in moderation, but for the longest time I was wondering.
I’m not miffed anymore – one does tend to get over that – but there’s still the residual memory of having been miffed, and over time that is accumulating.
I guess… let’s see…
Part of it is that “H” isn’t always dieting. He’s at a very stable, good weight, and a lot of the time he’s eating a full complement of foods. It’s just that Every Time I bring something in to share, suddenly he’s on the diet again. I know – I really, really do know – that this is a fallacious assumption. But that’s how it feels. And that’s why I’m hyper sensitive to the “excuse” (as I see it).
But really. I’m over that.
The second point ….
I do identify myself with my food offerings. And it is tied to nurturing, caring; there’s something oddly and deeply emotional about bringing in food, particularly dessert type food. If I brought in cucumber sandwiches, it wouldn’t mean nearly as much.
So I’m trying to tease out whyI have this visceral connection to a shared dessert. Why I’m trying to give brownies to people on diets. I honestly don’t want to subvert them, him, whoever. But somehow, it’s like it ups the ante for me … if the person is dieting, then they will only get to eat the very very special treats – and if they eat what I bring, then I must be very very special.
So. So I kind of know -What- is going on. What has me mystified is -Why-???
(but it is interesting to ponder that it might be genetic)