So we have a refrigerator out in the shop (thank you Ramona and Joseph). The reason was so Luke could have his cokes and other things that I have a real weakness for and they could be kept where it would be difficult enough for me to get to them that I would not do it. We have a second refrigerator in the house whose purpose was partly to keep things out of my sight and, thus, out of my mind. But I do not have to see the cokes to know they are there. Luke could keep his Mountain Dew in there and there are probably a few other soft drinks that I could resist because I don’t like them, but Cokes, I crave so blasted much that I will give in and get one.
I could ask Luke to take the soft drinks out but I haven’t because when I am not driven crazy with cravings I can resist them and I feel like I should always be able to resist them and I feel like it is silly to make Luke keep them out there. And when I am driven crazy with cravings, I need to ask him to get rid of them for me, but I do not want to. I want to give in to my craving. I don’t want to put them out of my reach.
It isn’t just Cokes of course. It is crackers, dry cereal, cream of wheat, pastas, bread, jams, rice, so many carbs it isn’t even funny. Should I keep all of those things out there? It would be possible, but is it practical? If it was just me, I could strip my house of everything I should not have. But it isn’t just me.
I am doing better than I was before I started writing here. But I am not doing well. I gave in and had a bowl of cereal tonight. I didn’t need the carbs and I didn’t need the milk. (Calcium is a rant I will do some other time.) I did remember that one of the reasons I never ever want to eat cereal again is because almost all of them are fortified with iron shavings. I saved a little of it to let get soggy, squash, and run a magnet around in so I could check to see if Wheat Chex (not what I wanted, but what I could reach) has iron shavings. I found 1 shaving, possibly 2. They are very tiny. I am sure there were more but I was impatient and probably didn’t get it mushed enough to find all of them. Still, if there is 1, then they are there.
I am going to make a list of reasons I do not want cereal and other things. One reason I had forgotten, which might have stopped me tonight, is the iron shavings. Maybe reading a list of reasons will remind me of things I do not really think about when I am mad with craving. Maybe….