The Family

I went to weight watchers again Thursday. It had been 2 weeks because of the hurricane. I wanted to have lost 6 pounds but i lost not quite 4. It was good enough to get me another 5 pounds star. I have been thinking of where to put my stars. I got a bookmark for my first 5 pounds. I would rather have a star. Perhaps i should put my stars on my bookmark. When i reach 25 pounds i will get a refrigerator magnet. That will be good.

I am learning that weekends are much harder than weekdays. I think several factors are involved. I am trying to figure out how to counter those factors, but maybe i will just have to accept that weekends are not going to go so well and make up for them on weekdays.

Reading the replies to my last few posts, I thought i should update them. My kidneys don’t hurt any more. They never did hurt that bad, but for several days now they have not hurt at all. Perhaps they recovered. Perhaps it was something else. Whatever it is, it is nice that it is past.

I faltered for a couple of days on my diet, though the only time i went over my points, i only went over by 2 and i have paid for those 2 points with exercise, so they do not count. Today, though i seem to be back in the groove, back to actually enjoying counting my points and limiting my intake.

I said when i first started this diet that it was more than enough to eat. I take that back. Sometimes i eat more and sometimes i eat less. The diet is more than enough for the days i eat less, but on the days when i want more it is limiting. There are also days when i want things i cannot have much of, but i am learning to have a little of the things i want that are higher in points. For example today i had a sandwich with 2 slices of bread and mayonnaise. It was a 10 point lunch, which is on the high side, but within reason. It was also very satisfying. One of the things they tell us at meetings is to not deny ourselves what we really want, but to learn not to go overboard. In other words i eat ice cream, i just chose the kind that is light in fat and eat less of it. I eat it with more enjoyment, actually, which surprises me.

I am hungry tonight as i write this. I am not eating late like i used to and i do get very hungry sometimes. I still have 3 points left for today. I could eat something. Don’t think i will though…….

I’ve had a recurring house dream, probably a meaningful symbolic one at that. But I haven’t really figured out what it says about me – perhaps you all have perspective. Or will at least enjoy deconstructing it.

In the dream I am a young girl, not a child – early adolescent, I suppose. I am in the house of my grandmother, who has recently died. My parents and other adults are there, taking care of things and distributing the household possessions. It is all going on over my head, but the only thing I care about is the books and things in the attic. Over my childhood, my grandmother and I had shared a special connection regarding those books, and she had told me that they were especially mine.

However, no one actually believes that there is an attic. There’s no access, no one else has been in the attic, no one believes it exists. I’m hesitant to mention the books; they’re almost a secret special thing, but even when I do no one believes that they exist at all. So. I finally gather permission from my father character (who, in the dream, is very absent, nearly militaristic). Actually, it isn’t so much permission as it is somthing to get me out of their hair. I’m also told that I can have everything that I find in this so called ‘attic.’

I have permission. I go to the room where I know the access is, which is in the closet in a seldom used room. The rope to pull down the ladder isn’t hidden, but it is unobtrusive. There is a sense of triumph when the rope and ladder and such are there; I’d almost begun to doubt it myself. I pull the ladder down, I go up, and then I stop. I remember all of a sudden why grandmother was never with me in the attic, why it was a shared thing between us but only I was up there.

The access is up near the roof, so to get into the attic you have to squeeze up and through this very tight space. I’m up there on the ladder, wondering if it’s even physically possible for me to get in there anymore, wondering if it matters becuase I doubt I’m psychologically able to go through such a small dark gap. If I don’t rescue the books they’ll be lost forever; there’s a feeling the house will be demolished once the estate is settled.

And then I wake up.

I had this dream many nights in a row, pretty much until I recognized it as a meaningful symbolic dream. Once my conscious mind acknowledged receipt, the unconscious mind stopped sending. Thing is, I’m not entirely sure what this is telling me.

I know houses are symbols of the self, and that unused rooms and spaces generally represence unused facets of one’s personality.

With that, what do you guys think of this? What do you think this is telling me?

Thursday I had an appointment with my GP. Today, Friday I had an appointmet with my heart doctor. I feel like i am turning into one of those doctor-obsessed people.

I did ask about my kidney aches and she said she did not know, that my tests came back very good, all functions normal. So I guess I will drink my parsley tea and water and stay away from foods that are hard on the kidneys. It may be the weight loss… I know that when you cleanse the body and the kidneys have to process all the toxins you are cleaning out, they do have to work extra hard. Who knows.

Anyway… I do not have to go back to my heart doctor for 4 to 6 months at which time she tells me she would like to see less of me. 🙂

I went to my second weight watchers meeting tonight. At weigh-in, i was praised for losing 10 pounds, given my 5 pound star and bookmark, and sent to the leader for a lecture on eating all my points. 🙂 I am having a hard time eating all i am supposed to. I am getting better, but I do not want to get to supper and not have enough points so i end up with points left over. The only day i made it to all my points was the day i ate ice cream. She tells me that if i am 1 or 2 points short, it is ok, but to try not to do it every day. The danger, of course, is your body adjusting to the lower food intake.

I really would like to lose weight faster. Well. part of me wants it fast; The rest wants it slow so my body has a better chance of adjusting and I will have a better chance of keeping it off. She tells me that in the first 3 weeks i might see more weight loss, but after that it should settle down to 2 pounds or 1% of weight each week. At 2 pounds a week, i will lose all i need to in about 10 years…… Sigh……. I am going to stick with the program. I don’t want to reset my metabolism down; i would not mind upping it.

Enjoyed the meeting, by the way….

I guess the only bad thing to report is that my right kidney aches too much of the time. I had intended to ask my GP about it today, but i woke with no ache and it did not ache all day and i thought it had passed. But tonight it is there again. It is a small ache, but it worries me. I am drinking lots of water and tonight i will be downing parsley tea. I have an appointment with my heart doctor tomorrow. I will ask her about it whether it is achy at the moment ar not.

You know, I was going to repaint that blue closet to match the future color of the bedroom, but it makes me smile…… I am leaving it blue and moving my stuff in.

Well the test is done, as you know and the results were good. The test was not as big a deal as it seemed when i first learned that i should have it. It was good to have Christina there. I felt loved and she gave Luke someone to interact with while i slept.. And it was fun to sit up into the night talking, too. 🙂

I have been thinking today about the future. Weight watchers meet on Thursday. I intend to go and this time i intend to weight in and join. There is something positive about a bunch of people with a common goal.

Well, my doctor called today. I was expecting a call on Monday, and when it did not come I thought that probably meant the results were ok… but she called today. There are 2 sets of pictures for her to look at: pre-stress and post-stress. The pre-stress pictures are fine. The post-stress pictures are, again, iffy.

Last time i had this test done I moved (because i was told to move!) during the test, so the problem indicated was probably not real, but it had bothered my doctor. This time that problem was not there, which means that it really was just the moving that caused it.

But this time there is indication of another problem. Unfortunately it is in an area of the heart that, in obese people, often gives a false positive. The post-stress pictures show that an area of my heart is not getting enough blood…. meaning a blockage. Perhaps it means a blockage that is not big enough that it hinders blood flow when i am at rest, but when the need is greater, not enough blood gets thru. On the other hand, it could be nothing.

There is risk to my heart if a part of it is short on blood… that part can die and scar over.

The doctor recommends we do an angioplasty. That is a fairly simple, fairly common surgery. The doctor runs a probe up a vein in the groin to the heart and has a look. If there is a blockage, they can take care of it. If there is not, she tells me it would be good to know that for sure.

It seems that a blockage makes a heart attack more likely. It also makes exercise riskier. If we can know for sure that there is nothing there I can push without wondering if i am hurting my heart or running a risk. She says that a blockage takes years to form so i could feel free for years.

Problem is that this is surgery. No matter how common, there is risk. In any surgery there is risk from the anesthesia. This risk is greater due to my weight.

In this surgery there is risk of damage to the leg where the probe is inserted, This can be anything from a huge bruise to knocking something loose which goes down the leg causing lack of circulation (I know of a man this happened to, he had to have his foot amputated when it died due to non-circulation, and yes, he had been haunting his doctor and emergency rooms with the problem – it was not something he ignored.) or goes up to the brain causing a stroke. This risk is greater due to my weight.

There is also a risk of damage to the blood vessels. I wonder about my blood vessels because i have inherited some of my mother’s problems with veins. Her doctor wanted to do this procedure to her and could not. They tried but her veins collapsed around the probe every time. Of course the damage they are referring to when they talk about the risk is a nick, I think, which i am not too worried about. If i were worried about the skill of my surgeon, i would not have her operating on me.

There is a risk of smilar damage to the heart.

There is risk to the kidneys. It seems that they have to put in some stuff that is very hard on kidneys. My kidneys, she says, could”probably handle it.” Only I just had radioactive stuff for this test. My kidneys anf liver are stressed from that. And i have kidney pain from time to time. It goes away when i concentrate on drinking water. I had a kidney stone. I do not know if the stress on the kidneys is worth it.

I told her i needed to think about it. I am thinking.

I know that i have more shortness of breath when i exert, more than even a year ago, maybe. It seems that way to me. Occasionally, if i push, it feels like more than just being out of shape. It would be nice to know for sure that i could push myself.

I wonder, if a blockage takes years to develop, why is this blockage showing this time, serious enough to merit surgery, when it did not show up at all last time. If it is a small amount of blockage, it seems like there should be other ways of dealing with it. She talks about a percentage of blockage. I am not sure what percent she thinks this is. If it takes so long for blockage to develop, snd this blockage did not even show up 10 months ago, surely it cannot be that bad now.

They are always talking about plavix (sp?) on tv… it is supposed to prevent blockage. It seems like there ought to be somehting i could do to clean out a small blockage. Of course i find lots of things that claim they do online… but do i want to risk my health on something that could be a scam?

She is supposed to call me again tomorrow. I will ask her more questions.

I will ask her about how urgent it is that i have this surgery and would it be better to wait if i were to lose some weight. She is talking about diet pills (which also stress the kidneys). If i took diet pills i ought to lose some.

I wish the test results had been clear. It would be much easier to decide if they were clear.

The second part of the test went well. I think it will show nothing. The funny thing is that my chest feels better tonight than it has in a long time. Very odd. I will have to ask my doctor about it.