The Family

Reading the replies to my last few posts, I thought i should update them. My kidneys don’t hurt any more. They never did hurt that bad, but for several days now they have not hurt at all. Perhaps they recovered. Perhaps it was something else. Whatever it is, it is nice that it is past.

I faltered for a couple of days on my diet, though the only time i went over my points, i only went over by 2 and i have paid for those 2 points with exercise, so they do not count. Today, though i seem to be back in the groove, back to actually enjoying counting my points and limiting my intake.

I said when i first started this diet that it was more than enough to eat. I take that back. Sometimes i eat more and sometimes i eat less. The diet is more than enough for the days i eat less, but on the days when i want more it is limiting. There are also days when i want things i cannot have much of, but i am learning to have a little of the things i want that are higher in points. For example today i had a sandwich with 2 slices of bread and mayonnaise. It was a 10 point lunch, which is on the high side, but within reason. It was also very satisfying. One of the things they tell us at meetings is to not deny ourselves what we really want, but to learn not to go overboard. In other words i eat ice cream, i just chose the kind that is light in fat and eat less of it. I eat it with more enjoyment, actually, which surprises me.

I am hungry tonight as i write this. I am not eating late like i used to and i do get very hungry sometimes. I still have 3 points left for today. I could eat something. Don’t think i will though…….

I’ve had a recurring house dream, probably a meaningful symbolic one at that. But I haven’t really figured out what it says about me – perhaps you all have perspective. Or will at least enjoy deconstructing it.

In the dream I am a young girl, not a child – early adolescent, I suppose. I am in the house of my grandmother, who has recently died. My parents and other adults are there, taking care of things and distributing the household possessions. It is all going on over my head, but the only thing I care about is the books and things in the attic. Over my childhood, my grandmother and I had shared a special connection regarding those books, and she had told me that they were especially mine.

However, no one actually believes that there is an attic. There’s no access, no one else has been in the attic, no one believes it exists. I’m hesitant to mention the books; they’re almost a secret special thing, but even when I do no one believes that they exist at all. So. I finally gather permission from my father character (who, in the dream, is very absent, nearly militaristic). Actually, it isn’t so much permission as it is somthing to get me out of their hair. I’m also told that I can have everything that I find in this so called ‘attic.’

I have permission. I go to the room where I know the access is, which is in the closet in a seldom used room. The rope to pull down the ladder isn’t hidden, but it is unobtrusive. There is a sense of triumph when the rope and ladder and such are there; I’d almost begun to doubt it myself. I pull the ladder down, I go up, and then I stop. I remember all of a sudden why grandmother was never with me in the attic, why it was a shared thing between us but only I was up there.

The access is up near the roof, so to get into the attic you have to squeeze up and through this very tight space. I’m up there on the ladder, wondering if it’s even physically possible for me to get in there anymore, wondering if it matters becuase I doubt I’m psychologically able to go through such a small dark gap. If I don’t rescue the books they’ll be lost forever; there’s a feeling the house will be demolished once the estate is settled.

And then I wake up.

I had this dream many nights in a row, pretty much until I recognized it as a meaningful symbolic dream. Once my conscious mind acknowledged receipt, the unconscious mind stopped sending. Thing is, I’m not entirely sure what this is telling me.

I know houses are symbols of the self, and that unused rooms and spaces generally represence unused facets of one’s personality.

With that, what do you guys think of this? What do you think this is telling me?

Thursday I had an appointment with my GP. Today, Friday I had an appointmet with my heart doctor. I feel like i am turning into one of those doctor-obsessed people.

I did ask about my kidney aches and she said she did not know, that my tests came back very good, all functions normal. So I guess I will drink my parsley tea and water and stay away from foods that are hard on the kidneys. It may be the weight loss… I know that when you cleanse the body and the kidneys have to process all the toxins you are cleaning out, they do have to work extra hard. Who knows.

Anyway… I do not have to go back to my heart doctor for 4 to 6 months at which time she tells me she would like to see less of me. 🙂

I went to my second weight watchers meeting tonight. At weigh-in, i was praised for losing 10 pounds, given my 5 pound star and bookmark, and sent to the leader for a lecture on eating all my points. 🙂 I am having a hard time eating all i am supposed to. I am getting better, but I do not want to get to supper and not have enough points so i end up with points left over. The only day i made it to all my points was the day i ate ice cream. She tells me that if i am 1 or 2 points short, it is ok, but to try not to do it every day. The danger, of course, is your body adjusting to the lower food intake.

I really would like to lose weight faster. Well. part of me wants it fast; The rest wants it slow so my body has a better chance of adjusting and I will have a better chance of keeping it off. She tells me that in the first 3 weeks i might see more weight loss, but after that it should settle down to 2 pounds or 1% of weight each week. At 2 pounds a week, i will lose all i need to in about 10 years…… Sigh……. I am going to stick with the program. I don’t want to reset my metabolism down; i would not mind upping it.

Enjoyed the meeting, by the way….

I guess the only bad thing to report is that my right kidney aches too much of the time. I had intended to ask my GP about it today, but i woke with no ache and it did not ache all day and i thought it had passed. But tonight it is there again. It is a small ache, but it worries me. I am drinking lots of water and tonight i will be downing parsley tea. I have an appointment with my heart doctor tomorrow. I will ask her about it whether it is achy at the moment ar not.

You know, I was going to repaint that blue closet to match the future color of the bedroom, but it makes me smile…… I am leaving it blue and moving my stuff in.