Didn’t want to write this yesterday. Didn’t want to face this or think about this or acknowledge this yesterday. But today is the next day, so here’s the update.
Two weeks ago, I noticed a small (pencil eraser) raised dark patch of skin on Grail’s underside. Took him to the vet. Vet found another three raised areas, but told me they could just be folds of the skin from the surgery – that as the extra skin inside is carted away by the body, the bits that are left would begin to feel more like distinct lumps.
We planned to do a small follow-up surgery to take one of the lumps and biopsy it.
To my unhappiness, the next week was out and the following week, the best day was Friday. Not what I wanted to be doing on my birthday; taking my beloved in for another surgery.
But over the two weeks, it became more and more obvious to me that surgery wasn’t going to happen. And on Friday, instead of doing any surgery at all, the vet did a physical exam and confirmed everything.
In two weeks, three small lumps right along the suture line have turned into a multitude of small lumps, coalesing in to about 4-5 larger lumps, which extend up to the shaved fur line. The vet could feel them extending upwards, under the ribcage.
Agressive rapid regrowth. Biopsies are unnecessary; it’s textbook fibrosarcoma. Future surgeries would just exacerbate the growth and decrease Grailing’s overall quality of life without doing anything at all for his quantity of life. 99.9% sure, said the vet. Then he gave me some other cherry phrases, such as “palliative care” and of course, that the best thing for me to do would be to take him home and keep him comfortable. And that there were options regarding Youth in Asia; we could do it at the vet’s office or at home, and that when it was that time I would know.
And starting next week, I have to start stage managing a show that I obligated myself to way back at the start of the season, and it’s going to take me out of the house every night for two and a half months, and I’m not even sure right now if Grailing has two and a half months. I’m going to do it, but I’m sure it’s the last show I’ll do for a while. I just hate all that time (and theatre’s been losing me for other reasons lately). And if they ask – if my attitude’s bad enough that they notice – I’ll tell them straight out that I don’t want to be there.
I’ve dropped Ren Faire this year (or they dropped me…uncertain). I haven’t gotten the e-mail notices I thought I should have gotten by now. But if they’ve dropped me off the list, I could easily remedy it if I choose – and I don’t choose, so however it started off I’m the one ending it. No NCRFaire this year.
I’m still keeping Grailing on all the supplements and foods. I know it isn’t helping at all, that it was all for nothing, but he does seem to enjoy it, and if it buys me just one more day….
The “good” thing is that the fibrosarcoma isn’t attacking any particular organ. It’s just some random cells run amok. So no organ failure, no sickness, just a gradual loss of energy as the cancer pulls food and other resources. As the tumor coalesces, the interior tissue will die and become necrotic, as we found in the first surgery, and some of the toxins released by the dead tissue will also weaken Grailing. But it will be a slow painless decline; no major trauma. One day, he’ll have lost energy to the point where he simply stops eating – and then I’ll know.
I’ve found a place that transfers photographs to cross stitch patterns – http://crosstitch.com/photo.html. Kevin thinks doing something like that might be bad for me; I think it might be good for me. We’ll see.
And that’s where we are. I started seeing a therapist last week – I didn’t need the vet to tell me the score, though of course the confirmation hurt all the same. I’ve found a local pet chaplain that helps people specifically with pet loss, I might go ahead and initiate that too.
Wish it was a better update for you guys. I didn’t say anything over the last several weeks, because I didn’t want to put it in writing when it was just a suspicion. But it isn’t anymore, it’s been confirmed. Grailing might not make it the full six months; the “average” survival rate the books gave. I’m realizing – but certainly not dealing with – the fact that he most likely won’t survive the year.
It’s been a very sad month.
this is actually christina…too lazy to log out
oh man…i am so sorry Ramona. I know that Grailing is a special kitty and family member. Treasure the time you have together. I know that pets have a way of staying with us (you can ask my mom about this).
I’ll write more later…it’s late…but you guys are in my thoughts.
Oh Ramona…… It seemed so hopeful for a while…..
How soon is this play? I wish you could get out of that. In the first place it takes precious time, and in the second place, even when you enjoy stage managing, it is stressul. The only positive thing i can see about stage managing right now is that it will force you to think about something besides Grailing.
So far as the needlework is concerned, I have seen stitching help you work thru things. I am glad you are getting counseling. I know how much you love Grailing.
It is always hard to deal with any sort of loss, especially a lingering one.
You and yours will be in our thoughts and prayers.
I was thinking, my aunt and uncle had a dog that had this same cancer. I am pretty positive.
Sumi (the dog) lived comfortably at home for the rest of her days and when they knew, their vet was willing to come to their house for the final visit. I had no idea that really awesome vets did such things. I know it meant alot all around.
I was looking at the site for the crossstich…while they look incredibly difficult, they also are unbelievably good. Of course, if anyone could do a crossstich like that, I know it’s you. I think it would be a wonderful thing and something that would make a wonderful keepsake.