The Family

Well I am officially back on my diet. This is only the second day, but there is a calmness and lack of struggle that bodes well for it lasting, at least for a while. Last time i was on it for 3 months or so and then it began to be a struggle. Perhaps this time, with the memory of last time, when i begin to have trouble, I will be more motivated to stay with it. It has taken me 9 months to get back on it. 3 months on and 9 months off; that is not a good ratio.

I need a web cam mounted in my kitchen…. No, I am not serious, and yes, i am….. I do not eat around others the way i eat when i am alone. When somone can see me i do not graze. If i had a camera aimed at the kitchen and i had no way of knowing if someone was watching me, i would be less likely to go in there and wander around looking at food and less likely to go get something that i should not be getting. (It would also be an incentive to clean up after meals sooner.)

Of course, like Luke pointed out, he would not be able to wanter in there au natural to get his nightly glass of milk after his shower. We would both have to be careful about grossing out the viewing community. 🙂

I am not serious….. not about the camera. In the first place there is no place to mount it where it would only see the kitchen, and i have no desire to make any other part of my life public. In the second place, if I knew there was a camera in the kitchen, it would be easy to just stash my trash somewhere else. Making my kitchen public would not cure the problem.

But i do wish that I always ate in private the way i eat in public.

I have had a moment of clarity.  These places that offer stomach altering surgery say it is for those who have tried diets and have not been able to lose weight.  People are always saying that they tried diet after diet and nothing worked.  I have always thought that they meant that they followed the diets and did not get the results, and have not believed them.  Moment of clarity.  They tried the diets but were unable to stick with them, so they didn’t work.  Looking at it that way i have tried and failed hundreds of times.  I don’t try to follow a particular diet, i try to eat right or eat healthy, but it is the same thing.  Stomach altering works because it physically forces the person to stay in the diet.  (Though i have heard of some who manage to gain the weight back because the stomach does stretch.)

Not that i am ready for the surgery…  There are too many risk factors.  But (I have read about it) the one i would choose is called lap band or something like that.  They band around the top of the stomach creating a small pouch with a small passage into the rest of the stomach.  It takes little to fill the small pouch and you cannot eat any more till the pouch empties into the rest of your stomach.  The doctor can go in and remove or adjust the band later.  I like that this one allows you to digest food normally.  I like that your stomach will naturally shrink and that the band can be removed later.

Of course, there are possible complications, though there are fewer long term complications.  There are the usual complications associated with any surgery, and the stomach does not always respond well to being banded.

You can see i have thought about it.

I have been reading this morning about eating disorders.  I am a compulsive overeater and a binge eater.  They say that the root of these disorders is emotional.  (of course)  But, ad Dr Phil points out, sometimes we start a behavior for one reason and continue it for another.  I read about the emotions that make us eat and i can see me in there…   or me like i was, but not me like i am today.  I think today i eat because, in random order:
1) I like food

2) I am tired

3) I am bored

4) Habit

5) I have a hard time getting started on what i plan to do so i have periods of limbo when i am more likely to eat.

Sigh………   I have written enough.   Have more thoughts……   but no more inclination to talk about them.

At last i have a goal deadline. I went to my doctor today. I have a weird spot growing on my belly, so i went to have it looked at. She told me it is benign and common, and was surprised that. at my age i do not have more of them. She did say it was unusual to have it on on my belly, though. It is more common on the upper body and face. As a matter of fact, Luke had the same thing on his face years ago. The dermatologist just shaved it off and it never came back. It did not even bleed when he shaved it. I wonder if I could shave this thing off….. Luke’s was dark and this one i have is skin colored, but she said that they come in all shades.
Anyway, the motivation. I am past due for a well woman check, so i made an appointment to have that done. I took the first available appointment which is in exactly one month. I found myself wanting to weigh in at less next month. My drs are all very pleased with me. So it is a marker… a near goal. That is good.

We also talked about the fact that if i lose very much more i am going to need a body lift. My dr did point out, in doctor fashion, that hanging skin is healthier than fat. But she gave me the name of her most favorite plastic surgeon and said that i should make an appointment for a consultation and find out what he thinks i will need, and what he thinks will be most important, and how much it will cost. I think that is added motivation. Once i go to that doctor, the plan is more real…

I just read the posts in answer to my last post. It seems like i check this site often for new entries and replies, especially when i look and find nothing new time after time, and then i will come on and find many posts that i have not read.

I really appreciate your encouragement. It makes me feel a little teary. 🙂 I feel so fortunate to have kids like you….. You are lights in the dark for me at times….. and you make me feel so loved…….

So far as the swimming ins concerned…. I got away from swimming during Christmas. There was the time factor, but more than that, there was the cold factor. I get colder these days. I cannot see how it could be because i am losing insulation because i have not lost enough to make any difference in the insulating factor. Perhaps it is that i burn less fuel… or maybe i am just getting older… who knows.

Anyway, the cold is still a factor. There was also a problem with my swimsuit. It was too big. 🙂 The bottom would fill with water and swoosh as i moved. 🙂 and the straps spent as much time falling off as they did staying on my shoulders. Not that that kept me from swimming, but it was a frustration.

I now have a new suit which is a tad too small. Not enough too small to bind, but snug enough that it will fit better in 10 pounds or so. It makes me feel slimmer, somehow, even though it is a louder color: purple as opposed to my old blue to turquoise. I bought it on ebay. I got such a good deal! New price is $80…. I paid $12.50 plus shipping, to make it $20. (Very pleased with myself.)

As for the difficulty level of what i do – I stopped going to the class a long time back. There is a class that is too easy and a class that is too frustrating… frustrating because they play music that is too loud and the right speed for aerobics on land, but impossible to keep pace with in the water. If it were not so loud, perhaps i could tune it out and move at my own speed without becoming cross. I could do what most do and just abbreviate my motions so i could keep pace, but that irritates me too. Now there is a deep water class that is perfect for me. Unfortunately it meets on Monday at 6PM, and Tuesday and Wednesday at 7PM. The times are bad for me. I have attended once, and will attend again, but mostly what that class is good for it teaching me a different exercise to add.

I go in at a time when there is no class. I have a stretching routine from that joint flex and movement class i used to go to. What i do is a little faster than the class used to do, but i do need that range of motion stuff. Then i head to the deep where i jog and walk and whatnot. I do need to add swimming. There for a while i was swimming and i worked my way up to, i think, 4 laps. Now these laps are not swimming like one would think of swimming 🙂 but they did tire me. I got away from that in the summer when the kids were in the pool so much… and then there was the swim suit factor. 🙂 Ever tried swimming in a suit that slips off the shoulders and tends to bag in the rear with water?

I also need to expand into land classes. There is a yoga class and a palates class intended for beginners and i have heard that they really are at beginner level. I have also thought that i should train on the aerobic machines. I would not want to do any that stress my knees and that may be most of them, but i should find out before i write them off entirely.

And i need to walk….. I don’t know why i don’t…. I like walking… I am not up to walking very much yet. In another 50 pounds i should be able to walk seriously. But i think i am up to an evening stroll up and down the block like we used to do with Sam in the evenings. I can even get my shoes on these days! 🙂 I can fit into some shoes that i have not been able to wear on years. Mind you, they are not comfortable yet, but in a pinch (appropriate word) I can wear them. A few months ago i literally could not get them on my left foot.

So far as the surgery is concerned…… I do need to find out what we are looking at in terms of money. I have thought that i could ask you, Ramona, to pay for surgery instead of Hawaii, but i am not willing to give up Hawaii. Carrie made a suggestion that i toy with…. She said that i should pay for what i could, finance the rest, and get a job to pay it off…. pointing out that when i am slimmer I can work. It just pains me to think of spending so much for something that i should not even need. And i am reminded of something Luke said when i first started this venture. He said he would rather pay for reconstructive surgery than hospitalization for a stroke or heart attack. I need to remember those things………

I wish i had posted all this with the WW post. Then I could have the record for longest post. Perhaps i can have the record for most posted in the middle of the same night. 🙂
I love you guys…….

I am still struggling….. This is the danger time for me and any diet. I have lost enough that i feel good; probably my fat cells are feeling deprived and my body is crying out for food, preferably carbs; and I am not as diligent because it has gotten routine and, thus, boring, and because I am confident that i can and will do it so I don’t keep myself focused.

I had a small gain this week.

On the plus side, I am still determined. Usually by this time in the struggle, i have given up. This time i am not giving up. I am falling, but i am getting back up and starting again. It does not hurt that i bought the $150 plan… Pay $150 up front and they cut the cost of meetings from $12 a week to $9.something… And, in addition to the savings, there is the benefit is that, having paid $150 up front, i am almost compelled to go to the meetings.
Tonight at Weight Watchers i received the coveted 16 week award. Seems that stastically 16 weeks is the marker that means you are going to make it. Most people who stick it out for 16 weeks keep at it till they reach their weight goal.

I don’t know what my weight goal is. I try very hard to let myself wallow in “what if’s”
and not think “I wish i had done this 20 years ago,” not so much because i would have had so many more good years, and would never have gotten this fat, but more because 20 years ago my skin would have shrunk down and adjusted to a smaller body. I need to find out what a full body lift would cost before i set a weight goal. Right now i have to get my belly fixed. There is no way i can go thru life with this droopy belly… but i wonder, at what point am i agoing to have the same droopy skin hanging in folds on my back, my butt, my thighs, my upper arms… Actually, if i got down to somewhere between 200 and 250 and my skin was not yet hanging in folds, perhaps i should stop, get the belly fixed, and just plan on being that much overweight for the rest of my life. I don’t know… I wish i could say 150 is my goal…. but i would rather be fat than have my skin hanging.

What is it they say…. Perhaps the purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others? 🙂

This is pretty much just for Christina.

Christina.   I’m supposed to be feeding Grailing green tea.  Straight up, not steeped.   Though the nutritionist said that it was good for me, too, and if I wanted to simply brew a cup and share it with Grail, that would be justifiable but not nearly as good for him.

Well.   I want it to be a good green tea, one I can trust not to have anything not-tea in it, so I thought I’d go to Adagio.   I did .. and man, are there a lot of green teas.

Well, you’ve tasted them.   Which one – or ones – would you recommend as being smoothest, mildest .. or, as I’m really asking, which one would a cat like to eat, unbrewed?   This will be mixed with a whole host of other powders, mind you.

The Adagio pictures show a full leaf.  It’s not sent that way, is it?   I know the herbal teas have readily identifiable herbal bits in them.   But for the tea, it’s all chopped up like tea, yes?

On reading their descriptions, I’m looking at: Dragonwell, green anji, green pekoe, gyokuro, sencha overture, or sencha premier.

Any suggestions?   Have you had any of those?  Do your cats  like any of those?

Thanks –

Another meeting with the nutritionist.    Spent two hours asking questions … at least I was slightly organized.  I used a LOT of her time, but I tried not to waste it.

End result, I’ve added two more supplements to the mix (one is on order), have more specific dosage instructions for all the current supplements, feel much better about all the things listed in the holistic additional literature that I’m not feeding him, and I now have a weekly schedule of food and supplements.   That will make things So Much Easier.

The new supplement is the mushroom mix.  It has 2x of Reishi mushroom, and 1x each of Shitake and Maitake mushrooms.  It also has ginsing, one of the recommended supplements that I hadn’t covered before but will be now.  The one on order is the hoxsey formula.  You can just look it up online.  It is either The Cure For Cancer or total malarky, depending on which website you visit.

At this point, if malarky worked, I’d buy it and just hope it came in a powder.   I have “Easy Sell” stamped on my forehead, and I start all my conversations with “Hello, Mr. Vet, please take my money.”

%-)
I am so happy with my vet (Dr. Munn), by the way.   He is a great, great vet and I am So Very Very Happy he took over the practice.  I am also so Very Happy  with my nutritionist (Dr. Alley), who took 2 hours with me and never made me feel rushed or like I was asking too many questions, even though it was the end of the day and there were other clients waiting (probably backed up) (my apologies to the other clients).  I should write something up and mail it to them both.

Anyway, just keeping you guys updated.   When I have my feeding schedule, I’ll e-mail it to you two (Mom & Christina).  Don’t want to challenge my long post record.    Oh, and Christina – for urinary tract issues, the key thing is hydration.  That’s the biggest reason for moist food.  You can also add water to the moist food (I do).   The vet had some vet school mnemonic for that too, which I’ve forgotten; it was something like ‘for concentration, try hydration’

The book I got from the vet library also says some of the following:

*Must add more liquid

*Vitamen C, E, and Fish Oil.   Don’t know about Vitamen C.  My Vitamen E is 400 (unit), and I’m giving him 2/week – so dosage is an issue there.  The fish oil is 1/day (of course.  It’s much more expensive).
*Carrot juice (Grailing like his) and/or tomato juice

Anyway, there’s a lot more in there but I sure don’t want to be handing out nutritional advice!!

I kid you not, this is what the vet called it.  I told him about what the nutritionist had recommended, and the vet said, Ah yes; that is pretty standard; in vet school we all called it the Catkins diet.

Ha ha.  Funny sleep deprived vet students.

Aside – I talked with Mom about the new diet soon after talking to the nutritionist.  I probably told her some stuff that I have by now forgotten.  So, Mom, if you want to clarify any of these points, go right ahead.

Grailing is on all moist food.  The key reason for this is that it reduces his carbohydrate intake.   To make dry food dry, flour (essentially) is added – all dry food will have high carbs, all moist food will have low(er) carbs.   The reason this is so crucial for Grailing is that tumors can metabolise carbs, but not other energy sources.   Grailing, on the other hand, being a carnivore, can metabolise protein and fats.   So, by switching him to a high protein diet, I feed the cat and starve the cancer.

That’s the basic idea.

The vet also said – this is after the latest urinalysis sucess – that moist food also is prescribed for urinary tract issues, because it increases the cat’s water intake.  Cats generally don’t drink enough water, so putting them on moist food kind of forces the issue.  The vet said it is standard practice for male cats with urinary tract infections; some vets, he said, simply advise that all male cats eat moist food.

Also said the teeth thing isn’t really an issue. That was my big question.  Both vet and nutritionist assured me it wasn’t an issue at all.

So, that’s the scoop on moist food versus dry food, at least in this context.  Good for kidneys, bad for cancer.

Actually, for Grailing, I’m supposed to be feeding him pureed calf liver.  At the beginning, the store was just out of calf liver and I had to use chicken; Grail seemed pretty ok with that.  Then, they had calf liver and I used that, and Grail started throwing up all the time.  Forget that, I said, and went to canned food, which the nutritionist said was an adequate backup.    But now that it’s been a while, I’m planning on going back to the liver.  I’m going to try the calf liver again, but this time I’m going to cook it just a little.  That’s not optimal, but the nutritionist said it was ok to do it a little; to brown the outsides but not all the way through.   Then I puree it.  I don’t know….

So for Grail, it really isn’t supposed to be canned, it’s supposed to be pure protein.   I’m also adding extra water, and a host of supplements.   I have a recipie I’m supposed to put together, but what I’ve been doing is putting in one thing at one meal, varying it all the time – wanted to see if he was sensitive to any of the supplements, or if he liked or didn’t like any of them individually.  But, he eats them all just fine singularly or in any combination, so I’m ready to tackle this recipie.

The additives are: water, carrot juice, parsley juice (can’t find the juice so I’m just adding parsley), aloe vera juice, Vitamen E, Fish Oil, Kelp, Brewers Yeast.    Since I have it, I’m also adding Barley grass, which I got to begin with because of Annwynn’s fascination with grass; the barley grass supposedly is very very good for cats and has all of the green whatevers that the are trying to get from grass.

I had looked online, and saw some people recommended Flaxseed Oil.  However, I’m not using that.   There’s Omega 3 and Omega 6, and I really don’t know what those are.  But Omega 3 is supposedly the most Awesomely Wonderful Good Stuff Ever, particularly for cancer therapy.   Flaxseed Oil contains a balance of Omega 3 and Omega 6.  The nutritionist told me, though, that some studies show that Omega 6 can actually encourage cancer growth or something, so you want to make sure that your proportion is high on the Omega 3 and low on the Omega 6, or you want to avoid Omega 6 altogether.   Fish Oil (at least, the extraordinarily expensive fish oil) is all Omega 3.  And, as a bonus, cats are pretty excited about eating Fish Oil.  Flaxseed oil, not so much.

I did find this with Grailing.   I did online research right off the bat and went out and got some flaxseed oil pretty much the next day.  Grail was not entirely impressed (I tried some myself, it’s nasty).    Fish oil, though, is a good thing.   Mmmm, fish oil, mmmmm.    Expensive stuff, though, since it has to come from some small arctic fish that has large oil glands, and it has to be super tested for mercury and PCPs, etc., etc., etc.

Anyway .. that’s the scoop on Grail’s diet.  I don’t do much human cooking these days, since the cat cooking takes up most of my enthusiasm.   And I’m still a little hazy on all the ‘why’s for most of these supplements.   As long as they help, though, I’m all for all of them.

And, if you couldn’t predict this, Mileva and Annwynn both want to be eating what Grailing is eating.   They’re both still on dry, since I had quite a stock in the cabinet and since it is much less expensive.   But I am considering moving the two of them over to moist as well.    They really want it.

Went to my meeting last week.  I had a goal by the end of the year, and I made it….  and I got a star…   which is nice.

This week I was afraid I would not lose a thing… this was a hard week.  In the first place i made my goal and when i make a goal I relax and celebrate and get cocky.  In the second place I was down for a couple of days and could not seem to get a hold on things.  But I went, I weighed, and I lost 2 pounds.

I think maybe i have become accustomed to eating better so even when i feel like i am all wrong, i am better than i used to be.

Anyway….   next week i am counting points.  (even though they forgot to give me a tracker for the second week in a row!).  I made a scanned copy of an unmarked one so i am covered even when they (and I) forget at the meeting.